What Not to Say

Many years ago I was called into my supervisor's office and asked to sit down.  She then told me that she'd had complaints, from co-workers and customers, that I wasn't happy.  I sat there for several seconds, astonished.  Complaints?  About being happy?  What was I not doing?  She continued that I wasn't smiling.  Smiling?  Is that a requirement and, if so, how much is appropriate?  These were some of the questions going through my head.  Aloud I asked which co-workers had complained so that I could speak with them personally to clarify what they were upset about.  Customers I didn't contact as much so they would be more difficult to talk to but co-workers - they could have come to me directly if they had concerns.  I didn't get answers, of course, and left her office confused, upset and confounded as to what I should do.

No,  I wasn't happy.  I frequently cried in the shower and in the car on the way to work.  I would have explained this to any co-worker who'd come to me with concerns about my happiness.  I was terrified all the time.  My husband had died only a couple of months before and I was suddenly all alone and responsible for raising two teenagers, worried if we would have to move, if there would be enough money every month, worried if we'd come through this particular storm.  I was dealing with probate court, the VA, Social Security, banks and various investments.  

But I thought things were going adequately at work.  I was helping customers find the materials they needed, I was working the desk, doing my programs, whatever was asked of me.  I was holding it all together.  That meeting with my supervisor was a staggering blow and, needless to say, I went home crying (again) only to pull myself together so that the boys wouldn't see how terribly scared I was.

Many people say they don't know what to say or do when someone dies.  I don't know either but I do know that telling people who've experienced such a horrible loss that they don't look happy isn't what you should say.  Instead ask if  they'd like to talk or just sit quietly away from everyone and everything in a place that isn't home.  Whatever you say, don't make them feel worse about themselves, they're in enough pain as it is.  Don't leave a memory as hurtful as the one that's stayed with me over 25 years.