Fourth Treatment - DONE

The two weeks between treatment three and four were horrific.  There isn't another word to describe the misery of those two weeks.  Extreme gastric problems (which I won't elaborate except to say prescription medication became necessary); lack of appetite to the point of very little food intake (to the concern of my caregiver); lethargy and finally, IV fluids were required despite the fact that I was, indeed, drinking water.  I lost 5 pounds in those two weeks. 

My blood work was very bad at the 1 week testing - white count down extremely low - it drops each time but never this low - and it rebounds by the next week which it also did this time but not as far.  Because of that and to keep the count from dropping so low, the last treatment dosage was lowered 25%.  Here's hoping that the lower dose keeps the blood work positive and also lessens the effects of the treatment. I don't want to relive those two weeks - even if this treatment (4) is the LAST of the dual-drugs!!

I asked (and received) an extra week off between this last dual-drug treatment and the start of the single drug weekly treatment.  Hopefully, as I told the doctor, I'll have more than 2 days where I feel 90% like a real human!  Everyone I've talked to, including my wonderful chemo nurse, has assured me that the single drug (Taxol) is much less severe than the others and won't affect me as much.  I was seated next to a woman who was getting her first Taxol treatment (she's a step ahead of me) and, unfortunately, she had a rather immediate reaction to the meds.  The nurses knew just what to do, stopping the meds, giving her benedryl and within a few minutes she was fine.  Apparently she's not allergic to the med but to an additive in the delivery system - I'm not allergic to many things and I sincerely hope this isn't one!  We'll see in three weeks!

On the positive front (and there definitely was positive news) - the doctor did say that my treatment has been aggressive and, people over 65 (ME) can be more affected than younger people.  However, doing a cursory exam he said he could no longer feel the lump (which was not the case 6 weeks ago) so he was encouraged that it had reduced that much with only 3 treatments (the fourth was yet to be administered).  Any time he's encouraged, I certainly am!  On a secondary note - I've been trying since July to lose a few pounds and as of yesterday I've lost 24!!  The past few weeks haven't been a recommended diet but the first pounds off were simply by limiting (not eliminating) carbs in my diet and that was slower (of course) but effective.  I'll take all the positive news I can get!

I have wonderful friends and family who are very supportive.  I love all the cards, FB comments, Messenger messages, phone calls and gifts.  I can't say enough how much it means to me and how much all the people are important in my life.  Y'all are the best!!  💗💕

Is This Living?

This is a question I've been asking myself (somewhat jokingly) the past few weeks as the effects of treatment have been so debilitating.  These effects began after the second treatment and became even worse after the third, when the questioning began.

My home has shrunk to three rooms - bedroom with attached bath, family room with nearby powder room and kitchen.  Within those rooms, the constriction is even more - bed, chair (recliner) or more recently sofa, and refrigerator (ice and water in the door!).  My world has shrunk to primarily two places - home and clinic.  Going to the grocery store a week or so ago was too much and I had to bow out prior to checkout and sit in the car while my son completed the task.  I haven't been out on my own in well over a week - probably close to two - and actually asked my son the other day how he's been enjoying driving my new car as he's done more than I!  (He says it's good!)

I'm so weak, occasionally dizzy (not so much with an adjustment in medication) and worn out that even the thought of going to get the mail or putting out the trash is overwhelming.  The TV is constantly on (and that's fairly new for me), tuned to something innocuous just for the noise.  I don't care what's on really, the sound is down to barely audible but there's someone talking - someone there.  I haven't been reading much lately which is also new and it's because reading, even light romances, requires thinking and some concentration and I just can't.  I have been able to continue playing Words with Friends and have to thank my friends for not bailing when it takes me a day (or more) to respond but even that is sometimes just too hard.

This is not to say I'm not surrounded by love and support because I am - family, friends, caregivers - everyone is on my side and that is amazing!  But I'm used to doing things - going places, not depending on others to carry for me and it's hard to realize that just isn't possible right now. 

So, to answer my own question - Is This Living?  The answer is YES it is - for the moment, for now.  Later will be different - later will better, but right now, this is my normal and I need to make the adjustment.  Those around me have - my youngest has become an excellent caregiver and doesn't mind repeated requests for toast or more ice water or whatever.  My oldest calls to check on me, makes sure I don't need anything, friends check-in daily by phone or text - it's ME who needs to make the adjustment.  ME who needs to accept what is and not bemoan what was, look forward to what will be and not focus on what's right now.  This is temporary, I will get better, I will survive and I will thrive.  There are always setbacks in life - this is just another. 

Yes, this is living and it's the best life I have right now - and we're all fighting to make it even better.