Is This Living?

This is a question I've been asking myself (somewhat jokingly) the past few weeks as the effects of treatment have been so debilitating.  These effects began after the second treatment and became even worse after the third, when the questioning began.

My home has shrunk to three rooms - bedroom with attached bath, family room with nearby powder room and kitchen.  Within those rooms, the constriction is even more - bed, chair (recliner) or more recently sofa, and refrigerator (ice and water in the door!).  My world has shrunk to primarily two places - home and clinic.  Going to the grocery store a week or so ago was too much and I had to bow out prior to checkout and sit in the car while my son completed the task.  I haven't been out on my own in well over a week - probably close to two - and actually asked my son the other day how he's been enjoying driving my new car as he's done more than I!  (He says it's good!)

I'm so weak, occasionally dizzy (not so much with an adjustment in medication) and worn out that even the thought of going to get the mail or putting out the trash is overwhelming.  The TV is constantly on (and that's fairly new for me), tuned to something innocuous just for the noise.  I don't care what's on really, the sound is down to barely audible but there's someone talking - someone there.  I haven't been reading much lately which is also new and it's because reading, even light romances, requires thinking and some concentration and I just can't.  I have been able to continue playing Words with Friends and have to thank my friends for not bailing when it takes me a day (or more) to respond but even that is sometimes just too hard.

This is not to say I'm not surrounded by love and support because I am - family, friends, caregivers - everyone is on my side and that is amazing!  But I'm used to doing things - going places, not depending on others to carry for me and it's hard to realize that just isn't possible right now. 

So, to answer my own question - Is This Living?  The answer is YES it is - for the moment, for now.  Later will be different - later will better, but right now, this is my normal and I need to make the adjustment.  Those around me have - my youngest has become an excellent caregiver and doesn't mind repeated requests for toast or more ice water or whatever.  My oldest calls to check on me, makes sure I don't need anything, friends check-in daily by phone or text - it's ME who needs to make the adjustment.  ME who needs to accept what is and not bemoan what was, look forward to what will be and not focus on what's right now.  This is temporary, I will get better, I will survive and I will thrive.  There are always setbacks in life - this is just another. 

Yes, this is living and it's the best life I have right now - and we're all fighting to make it even better.